To Play Us Out

Some things are just never as good as they are billed to be.  There have been some big letdowns in life: MaCaulay Culkin, the Dallas Cowboys, The Next Karate Kid.  But these disappointments come around every year:

New Year’s Eve

Let’s all start the year off right — with a hangover.  I hate all New Year’s Eves, but Y2K really pissed me off.  Here I am, a ten-year-old scared out of my fucking mind, thinking the world is going to end.  When the clock hit midnight and I was left standing there with my flashlight, I was pissed.  And did you know the first suicide related to Y2K was in February of 1998?  My parents always taught me to get stuff ready ahead of time, but Jesus Christ…

Birthdays

Congratulations.  You didn’t die in the past year.  That’s about all we’re celebrating.  You played absolutely no part in deciding when you would be born.  In fact, celebrating dates of birth makes little sense.  We should be honoring dates of conception.  That’s a much more intimate moment.  Plus you would get to think about your parents having sex.  And we all know how much fun that is.

Valentine’s Day

No good can come from this holiday.  If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, then you’ve got to go buy them something.  And it’s always the same shit, too.  Candy, flowers, or a teddy bear.  Maybe jewelry if you’re really looking to get laid.  But if you don’t have a significant other, then you just feel depressed.  There are no winners here.

Fireworks

I have a great idea.  Let’s all go crane our necks for forty five minutes and watch of bunch of bright shit blow up.  And have you ever seen a fireworks display without hearing Mellencamp sing “Small Town” along with it?  Fun fact: he utters the phrase “small town” eighteen fucking times in that song.  As for people that love the finale?  A barrage of shit is still just shit.

Parades

The only reason anyone attends a parade is because their kid is in it, or because their kid wants candy.  So let’s block off entire roads and mess up everyone’s schedule so we can celebrate the Second Grade Girls’ Recreational Diving Team.  And you know what?  I don’t see enough police cars driving around town doing nothing.  Let’s add one to the parade route.  At least at the end of the day, you’ll have a lifetime supply of Smarties and Tootsie Rolls.

April Fool’s Day

Worst holiday ever invented.  Everyone knows it’s coming, and no one is ever fooled.  “Hey did you hear about the White House?  There was a fire—”  Shut the fuck up.  No one believes your shit.  If you’ve ever witnessed a successful April Fool’s joke, odds are you were on the receiving end.  And no one likes to be the brunt of a joke.

I’d like to conclude by saying that this will be our final post on To Play Us Out.  Next quarter will be academically straining, and we won’t have time to write anything new.  We appreciate your support.

.

..

.

.APRIL FOOLS!  AND IT’S NOT EVEN APRIL!  FUCK YOU!