To Play Us Out

5. Jay Bilas

He went to Duke, so that’s the first indication that he’s a prick.  He personifies that annoying “scrappy white guy” act that defines the word asshole.  Bilas is so self-centered and thinks he knows everything.  Anyone that actually makes Digger Phelps seem bearable by comparison is obviously a douche.  I wonder how many times he sucked Mike Krzyzewski’s dick in order to get playing time while he was in college.

4. Stuart Scott

Using the phrase “Boo ya!” should garner anyone a tar and feathering.  Inventing it, as did Scott, requires a punishment beyond comprehension.  Perhaps he should have to get hit in the face by a football.  Oh, wait. All his little phrases and hand signals and attempts to look hip got old about ten years ago.  Five years ago, he was voted least favorite anchor, so at least I’m not the only one that hates him.  My favorite part of that survey was a comment by reader Ward Keenan, who said: “I can’t understand a word Stuart Scott is saying.”  I’m right there with you, Ward.

3. John Clayton

Possibly the nerdiest man to ever grace the Earth with his presence.  His head looks like a fucking penis.  He used to have those little debate segments with Sean Salisbury, and he would always come out looking like a fag.  The best one might have been when Salisbury referred to him as “The Crypt Keeper;” he looks like he wants to murder someone:

2. Chris Berman

I’m against torture as much as anyone.  But if we need to get some information from some terrorist in the future, I propose we put them in room with Berman and have him yell “WHOOP!” until they break.  If that doesn’t work, try “Back, back, back, back, back…”  I guess there’s only some many things you can say to describe the action during the Home Run Derby, but fuck, is that all he can think of?  Also, his references are so damn arcane; the other day he referenced Magnum P.I. and Tom Selleck.  For those of you who don’t know, that was a gay-ass show about a private detective in Hawaii that was on in the early 1980s.  Way to stay current, Boom.

There’s also this fucked-up story about Berman.  There are no words that I can summon to explain it, so just read it for yourself.

1. Stephen A. Smith

This man got fired from the newspaper he worked for, yet somehow still kept his job at ESPN.  He now runs a blog, on which all he does is post links to his ESPN columns.  Sometimes I wonder if he even speaks English; he uses some type of slang that is completely incomprehensible.  His arguments with Skip Bayless (whom I possibly should have included on this list) on First and 10 are so asinine that I think Smith just gets joy out of looking like a complete moron.  Everything is about race with him.  Coach gets fired?  It’s because he was black.  Player gets arrested?  It’s because he was black.  Economy is suffering?  It’s because it was black.  Just look at that picture of him.  So smug, so condescending.  Stephen A. Smith: I hate you.