To Play Us Out

Every guy has wasted much of his life waiting on women who are intent on browsing in stores.  And by “browsing” I mean taking countless hours to meander around an establishment, and ultimately buying a bunch of pointless shit.  With guys, there’s only a few stores that will cause us to aimlessly wander like we’re searching for the Holy Grail:

GameStop

Besides illegal activity, man’s most endeared interest is haggling.  A bargain is a man’s best friend, and since we’re too lazy/not-gay to clip coupons, going to GameStop and arguing over prices is the best we can do.  “Oh, you think my SNES Star Fox is only worth $7?  I will walk away from this whole transaction right now, sir.  Right fucking now.  I don’t need this shit.  I happen to know this particular game is worth $12.95.  Now, I can come down to $11, but that’s as low as I’m willing to go.”  And when the clerk says no, you turn into Jerry Lundegaard in Fargo, screaming about how “this is your deal!”  After several minutes of fist-slamming, intense staring, and telling anyone who will listen that you “have many more lucrative offers on the table,” you eventually give in and trade your game for Season Two of Family Matters.

Brookstone

I had Sharper Image as the store listed here until I was informed they are no longer in business (perhaps they should have sold more GayDars).  But Brookstone sells the exact same kind of stuff.  And by the same kind of stuff I mean useless shit that no one in their right mind would ever need.  But who I am to judge?  Where else can you buy a talking meat thermometer, a pain relief wand, and a computerized telescope?  (Actually, those all sound kind of magical, so if Brookstone doesn’t have what you need, you might try Diagon Alley.)  Let me just encapsulate Brookstone for you with a personal story: last Christmas, my dad wanted one of those cheap hovercraft toys that you control with a remote control.  So I went off to Brookstone and bought it for him.  Five months later, my father, a college and business-school educated man, will still sit in his recliner and play with that fucking thing with the look of a exuberant child upon his face.  That’s what Brookstone’s all about.

Dick’s Sporting Goods

This place is like the Mecca for guys.  I mean, it’s got “Dick’s” in the title, so they obviously know who there target demographic is.  But seriously, they should not leave all that sporting equipment out in the open for guys to mess with.  It’s like letting Kirstie Alley roam free during unlimited sample day at Baskin Robbins.  I have spent countless hours on that miniature putting green they have.  You don’t have to go outside, you get to try out tons of different putters — it’s perfect.  Here’s a tip, though: make sure you type in the correct URL when you go to their website.  Let’s face it: we’ve all typed in dicks.com, and gotten a completely different kind of balls than we we’re looking for.  (And by “we’ve all typed” I mean my mom.  She was trying to buy a gift certificate.  I was sitting right next to her.  Awkward situation.)

Barnes & Noble

You go into Barnes & Noble telling yourself you’re only going to buy the one book you have to read for your class.  But two hours and four cafe lattes later, you’ve purchased Cathedrals of London (because you will make it to Europe someday goddamnit), a French-English dictionary (same reason), and a biography of Clint Eastwood (because that guy’s just a badass).  I haven’t actually read a book in a long-ass time, but I’ve bought my fair share.  Why?  Because having a lot of books makes you appear intelligent.  For instance, I just purchased Bill Clinton’s autobiography.  I’m never going to read that piece of shit.  I already know the basic plot of his life — poor kid, Governor, President, blow jobs, awkward commercials with the first President Bush, and whatever the hell else he does now.  But people see his book on my shelf and assume that I’m well-read.  Sometimes I just stare at the front covers of books and hope the knowledge will somehow be imparted to me through osmosis.  But that never seems to work.  Maybe I could buy a book on how to do it.  I’ll bet Barnes & Noble has one…

Best Buy

Best Buy is quite possibly the most ironically named establishment ever to come into existence.  Nothing in that store would qualify as a “good buy,” let alone “best.”  Ever product offered in there is either overpriced or shit-tastic.  The thing with Best Buy is that all the stuff looks cool, but you’re not pushed over the edge into purchase mode until those salespeople get a hold of you.  It’s like you develop Stockholm Syndrome with them, and you come to empathize with what they’re telling you.  They start giving you their spiel, and you begin to think, “Oh, well I don’t really need a stainless-steel refrigerator right now, but you can’t beat that price.  And you’ll throw in a copy of Caddyshack 2?  Well alright then, sir.  You just got yourself a customer.”