To Play Us Out

Here’s something weird: As I’ve mentioned several times, I can see what search terms people are typing in to find To Play Us Out.  Almost every day since I wrote “Atlas and Trashpockets Go to McDonald’s”, 10-15 people per day are arriving at this blog by searching the word “McDonald’s”.  Now here’s my problem: how many millions of results would have to appear before our lowly story would come up?  I mean, McDonald’s is one of the largest corporations in the world.  I would think there would page after page of results before any one would find our blog.

Being the vain person I am, I typed “McDonald’s” into Google to see if I could find the blog.  I went through forty-three fucking pages before I gave up.  To me, this means that there are people who sift through hundreds of pages of Google results after they type in a search term.  These people need to get a life.

Some writer from Slate magazine emailed me the other day asking if that “Take Me Drunk, I’m Home” picture I used in that post was real and where I got it.  And someone from Zaxby’s emailed me asking me to stop posting the links to our Zaxby’s related posts on their Facebook fan page.  Listen, Slate magazine, I found it on the motherfucking internet, and I don’t know if it’s real or not.  And Zaxby’s — no, I will not stop posting links to your fan page, because you ruined my life and the life of my compatriots by removing your Columbus franchise.  Live with your decision and accept the consequences, Zaxby’s.  Like they say in Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Now, restaurant executives/magazine columnists/paparazzi, I know I am a very popular writer, but please stop contacting me, for I am a very busy man.

Once you’re done reading this bullshit, check out my new column on Points in Case.