To Play Us Out

…it makes we wanna wag my tail, when it comes I wanna wail…MAIL!!  (Sorry that was gay, let’s just act like it never happened and move on with the post).

I’ll be honest: I rarely check my Atlas Jobinson email account.  So if any of our countless female fans have been sending nude pics or something, I apologize for never responding.  Anyway, I finally checked it, and over the past couple of weeks, I have received some very strange emails.  I’ll highlight three now.

First, I got an email from someone named Michael Bérubé, who apparently is a professor at Penn State (and named one of the “101 Most Dangerous Academics in America” by conservative author David Horowitz).  I guess he reads the blog, and he sent me a link that he thought I would like.  It’s from a website called ChristWire, which is either the most brilliant satire I have ever read, or the craziest shit I have ever read.

Anyway, at this point I think I would have to agree with Horowitz in that this Bérubé character is a pretty dangerous academic.  This guy is a professor who is supposed to be teaching kids or doing research or whatever it is that professors do, and he’s wasting his time reading the piece of shit we call To Play Us Out?  Get a life.  Then again, I’m not really surprised, because after that debacle on Saturday, it’s pretty clear no one from Penn State is good at anything.

The second and third emails that I would like to discuss were both of the same ilk.  Each was from a marketing representative wanting this blog to advertise their products.  One was from Hot Pockets, and they wanted me to post a video which would “get [my] readers to laugh and get excited about Hot Pockets.”  Now, I like Hot Pockets/Lean Pockets/whatever they’re called now, but I can’t really take them seriously.  Their commercials are always a bunch of depressed looking pre-teens who can’t for the life of them find anything to eat.  And then suddenly a mom character appears out of nowhere to make Hot Pockets, and the kids go fucking crazy.  Also Jim Gaffigan rips on them, and I blindly follow whatever he says.

Anyhoo, I had two more serious problems with the email.  One, I’m pretty sure it was a form letter, and a horribly written one at that.  Two, the video that was attached was the biggest piece of shit I have ever seen.  And the guy lead into it by writing, “since this video is similar to the humor in your posts…”  I swear to God, if anyone thinks my writing is anything like this video, I’ll just go ahead and kill myself right now:

Fuck, I just watched it again and almost threw up at how bad it is.  Anyway, since I acted as a corporate whore and posted it, I’m asking the guy for some free Hot Pockets.

The second ad email I got was from whatever company is representing Weezer.  I’m sure you’ve all seen the “Vote to Bring Weezer to [Insert University]” groups on Facebook, and this was much in the same vein.  They want me to post a link so you can all go vote, but I will not be doing that because I am not a complete fag.  They did promise me a free copy of Weezer’s new CD if I “discussed” this whole thing on my blog.  Just by writing these very words, I think I’m “discussing” it, so I’ll be expecting that complimentary album.  They really should’ve used a less vague word than “discuss.”  Also, they told me I could keep the CD for myself, or organize some sort of giveaway for my readers.  I am a pretty selfish person, but if any of you can think of some sort of creative way that I can decide who gets this, it could be possible.  Otherwise it’s mine.

On a completely (and I mean completely) unrelated note, I had to write a huge paper the other day on the philosophical and moral questions surrounding torture.  One example I used had me comparing the United States to Batman.  Batman never kills anyone because he sees himself as morally superior to his villains, and I argued that as Americans we should do the same and not lower ourselves to the type of behavior that our enemies perpetrate.  My teacher is a pot-smoking, lip-ring-wearing 24-year-old, so I think he will appreciate the brilliance of that analogy.

P.S. Nice job, Fucktard, on doing a link dump immediately after I did one.  Get a clue.