To Play Us Out

We haven’t had a guest post since Mr. 3/5’s wrote his masterpiece some time ago.  So we decided to have another.  Here’s a submission from a friend of the blog who has chosen to refer to herself as “Bitchesclearlyaintshit”:

In lieu of the lack of mothering this blog has experienced in the past few months, I have offered my services to the gentlemen who are failing to update it regularly.  This is a rare commodity for “To Play Us Out” because I am, in fact, a female. Yes, the regular writers do have friends with tits. Amazing, isn’t it?

That being said, I would like to note that the more I hang out with these assholes, the less womanly I feel.  I now refer to my hot girl friends as “bitches”.  I’ve started using the words “fuck,” “jizz,” and “dick” regularly (and no, not with regards to my own sexual misadventures).  And everything about periods, tampons, and unshaven bushes now grosses the shit out of me.  Included in these changes is my new found hatred for the bitchassness and idiocy of my gender. Girls are so fucking annoying.

Before I had guy friends, I was one of those girls that I now despise.  When my friends got pissed at their boyfriends, I got pissed at their boyfriends as well, no matter the root of the problem.  One time my friend’s boyfriend didn’t hang out with her because he wanted to play video games.  As a team, his girlfriend and I decided a good “punishment” was not talking to him until he figured out what he had done wrong. I think he STILL doesn’t know what the fuck that was about.  I participated in a bunch of those “feelings” conversations that always involve ice cream and Oreos and end in tears and hugging.  Ate that shit for breakfast, I loved it so much.  I even got in those catty girl fights where I wouldn’t talk to one of my friends for days, but rather bitch about her incessantly behind her back because she bought the same Vera Bradley pattern as me.  I would get pissed at her for being mad at me, and then we would cry and hug and make up and become BFFLs again! And my other friends totally took sides the whole time because it was, like, serious!

Looking back at my dark past as a girl, I am ashamed.  Why is my gender so fucking retarded? Dear fellow vaginas:  No one gives a shit WHY you banged a guy last night. Don’t give me excuses — just tell me how big his dick was. And how long he lasted. Don’t plan on him talking to you again unless your ass looks as good in your pants next weekend as it did this weekend, so stop texting him.  Also, if you talk to me about your period one more time, I’ll shove a tampon down your throat. I don’t care how heavy your flow is, how severely your uterus cramps, or why your prefer Playtex Sport over Tampax Pearl. I don’t need to hear about the blood coming out of your vag. Knowing that shit will NOT “bond” us.  Also, stop texting me with your fucking exclamation points and winky-face emoticons.  I know you’re EXCITED!! I also don’t care! ;)  And seriously, next time “Single Ladies” comes on, don’t scream “YEAH! SCREW BOYS! ALL I NEED ARE MY GIRLS!” He dumped YOUR ass, you possessive little bitch. Probably because you wouldn’t stop jumping into his lap every time he sat down. Chairs exist. Thanks.

Seriously, guys, girls are retarded. Sure, there are a few of those crown jewels that don’t actually act like bitches, but those are few and far between.  Expect to be confused and annoyed by their crazy-ass ways. I know I am, and I WAS one of those bitches. Fuck.